A Violent Outbreak of Poetry and Kissing.

We’ve had the usual stuff going on. Including Christmas – very busy in the run up to the day and then the day itself, I worked, 2 didn’t. Malcolm ate Sam’s turkey sandwiches and thrown them up again in the Movies section.

Sam's been doing a far bit of shouting at book sellers and very occasionally customers, usual when asked about Dan Brown. (No we do not have the new book; and no we are not getting it in. Sam is making a stand.)

We’ve had a reading. Local poets, thin dark boy, friend of low’s very immense stuff, jovial lady poet (very Seamus Heaney her words – in that she mentions animals a bit, Sam’s words), handsome but going to seed, regional accented, sexually explicit poet, gazed very intensely at Spider in the dress who went red during his reading. Last act and emergency stand-in was me –doing some favourite poems and, gulp one original piece of work. It was a weirdly popular event to be repeated in February and called Sam’s Scans, even though some of them didn't.

Special events have included Jane’s(S&M Sisters) wedding which involved, the Bride’s sister Emily catching the flowers and giving the vicar an entirely inappropriate kiss; Two having to check the best man Ray, 74 was still alive, yes he was just very, very drunk and the Bride and Groom having written their own vows, which proved educational.

I had a lovely day and the evening was going very well until the bride’s older brother announced that I was a corker and that we should waltz for the rest of the evening. I’m not a great dancer but even so I defy anyone to waltz to Agadoo. Terrence, my ardent elderly paramour was about 4 ft 8 so spend most of the dance buried in my cleavage. Every time we spun round I caught sight of Two laughing at me, however he did eventually rescue me and I was so glad I may have l given him an entirely inappropriate smacker of a kiss. Which proves that one, I really do need to give up champagne and two, its time to start dating again. (I meant other people not Two clearly. He’s my friend and we don’t consider each other that way)

And now here we are 2010 we have new stock in the shop and I promise to blog more regularly.

Catch up

I’m very much back in work now. So I thought I’d catch you up on the news from Sam’s. First we are having a wedding. Jane our older S and M sister is getting married. Apparently the new trills in her life (from the books) have given her a sparkle which bought her to the attention of a certain gentlemen from the sheltered accommodation where she lives. In her sister's words ‘she snaffled the only decent bachelor in the place ‘
Both blushing bride to be and bashful groom came in today to ask two and myself to be ushers. How nice. We of course said yes. Apparently the wedding will be an epic affair and the bride as it is her first wedding will be wearing white and a veil. The groom seems a fine young man, being only seventy.
Malcolm has whilst I was away disgraced himself quite badly and is the current target of Sam’s icy disdain. Malcolm bought a live pigeon into the shop which we have so far been unable to capture. It has eaten Sam’s secret stash of ginger nut biscuits and blemished both books and the coats of customers which has hit Sam where it truly hurts –his pocket. I’m quite enjoying the gentle cooing as I work.
Strange (aka dashing but hairy) Brian continues to enjoy his bobble liberation having become a bit of a star on our local radio station with his spirited and eloquent comments on pretty much anything that occurs to him
Sam’s nephew, Harry, came in again while I was away. Two reports that he and Sam spent several hours in Sam’s office and raised voices were to be heard.
Two and low are well. That terrible smell has moved into the thriller section and we seem to have acquired a white marble bust of (Sam says) “Pallas to go above our chamber door” Due to Health and Safety concerns, i.e. it is very heavy, we are currently using it to prop open the door of the engineering section.

The story so far.

It has been a while since my last blog for which I apologize. I have been away and Minion 2 was going to look after you but he is currently in love and so is no use to man or beast.
I went to visit my folks in Wales and spent some time in an old watering hole of Dylan Thomas, nearly every wall had a blue sign saying Dylan Thomas stayed here, or ate here or throw up and had to have a little sit down here. Still the bay was beautiful, the woods fecund and wild, the walking bracing and I saw seals.
But to business, what is happening in the shop? The S&M sisters have been in again. We had to find them a large print Karma Sutra, as a reference book so that they can check what exactly the books meant. Apparently they have started a reading group in the home and have a devoted circle of admirers who turn up to hear them read snippets from the books. The sisters were vaudeville performers once upon a time and so are ’more than capable of giving a spirited reading, which still carries to the back of the room‘ I am told. The mind boggles.

The JR Hartley addict has been in after some negotiation and I don’t know, probably bizarre blood rites in which he pledged his soul to the shop , or at least his wallet to Sam, been allowed entry to the holy of holies , Sam’s specialist collection. He left after several hours practically glowing from within like the Galahad having seen the Grail.

Malcolm fell from the top shelf where he had apparently been sleeping and alarmed a nun.

Horrible smell has now moved to the horror section, where it seems to be enjoying James Herbert. Minion 2 is trying to get it interested in other writers and keeps leaving Tim Lebbon books open for it.

Most curiously Strange Brian bereft of bobble, is slowly emerging from his habitual outfits in to some thing newer and smarter all together. Feeling unable to wear his hat sans bobble (“I mean it’s just a mockery isn’t it? “He said) the large duffel coat just had to go too. So he appeared in a leather duster which along with the furious beard made him look like the sort of person neighbours later describe as a quiet loner.
I found him in the sci-fi /steam punk section clutching his head and having a mild panic attack Sam correctly identified his malady and grabbed his spare hat from the hook by the door. It was his rather natty Blue Straw trilby with pink band; he firmly stuck it on SB head and yelled
“Keep it “as he rushed back to whatever.
When we next saw him he was wearing a shabby navy suit and the trilby. The week after the suit was upgraded to a smart sharply ironed number with crisp white t shirt. As SB was leaving I complimented him on the new look and put a white Gerbera in his button hole for him. He confessed he was thinking of trimming his beard a little. Wow, we might know what SB looks like any day now!

Changing Tastes

The Sisters came in today with their usual shopping trolley - the old fashioned, pull-along ones with the rectangular body that always seems to be decorated with a tartan pattern - full of Mills & Boon books to exchange for more of the same. They're both in the 80's at least but are still light on their feet and almost constantly giggling to each other, real high pitched tee-hee-hees. Every few weeks they come in with a stack of romance books and let me or Minion1 go through them while they get another load. As I was sorting out how much credit we could give them they scuttled away into the stacks and shelves and less than ten minutes later they were back with another selection.

We swapped pleasantries as I went through the novels they'd selected - the standard contemporary romance with a dash of historical - until I paused.

"Are you sure you want this one, ladies?" I asked, holding out Forest of Bondage. The cover, while not terribly risque, was a little different from Wedding Bells at Wandering Creek.

"Ooooh," said Emily, taking hold of it and thumbing through the pages. Jane leaned in and the pair of them quietly read a couple of paragraphs, their eyes widening, their pencilled on eyebrows rising higher up their foreheads towards their too-black hair.

"Oh yes," Emily said, handing it back to me. "We'll take it,"

"Do you have any others?" Jane asked. "Like this one, I mean," she said, tapping the cover.

"Ah, yes, yes we do," I said and directed them over to the small erotic fiction section.

"Could we borrow your steps?" Jane asked; the books are on one of the higher shelves and neither of the Sisters is taller than four and a half feet. I pulled over the steps we use - Minion1 watching and laughing quietly from the Horror section - and helped Emily climb up.

When they returned to the desk, their arms were laden with Nexus, Black Lace and other titles: Slave of The Spartans, Memoirs of a Sex Toy and The Old Perversity Shop.

"We'll take these instead of those," Emily said, pointing to the Mills & Boon books, she and Jane tee-hee-heeing as they viewed the scantily clad ladies on the covers. They paid for the books and head out into the cold street.

"I pity the men down at the old folks' home tonight," I said to Minion1.

"I thought a lot of men liked the idea of two ladies together," she said.

"Not when their combined ages is over a hundred," I said. We leaned back from the desk and looked out of the bay window, watching the Sisters walk away, their shopping trolley full of erotic fiction, M&B having given way to S&M.